


Secret Love Song

by slut_for_jan_and_trixya



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: Angst, F/F, Fluff, Jan is the best person in the world, Songfic, jackie is a cinnamon roll who needs to be protected
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-31
Updated: 2020-03-31
Packaged: 2021-02-28 23:35:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,730
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23405383
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/slut_for_jan_and_trixya/pseuds/slut_for_jan_and_trixya
Relationships: Jackie Cox/Jan Sport
Comments: 6
Kudos: 31





	Secret Love Song

Why can't I hold you in the street?  
Why can't I kiss you on the dance floor?

Jan sighed, admiring the work of art that laid protected in her embrace, her slumber undisturbed. The only times Jan had seen Jackie peaceful was when her eyes shut and she escaped to a land of dreams and serenity. There, her brows remained unfurrowed and her lips remained unbitten. She looked younger, unburdened by the fear of discovery, the fear of ostracism, Jackie able to rest. Jan smiled, brushing a stray lock of dark hair behind Jackie’s freckled ear. Her hair was so soft. Loosely coiled waves of chocolate gently cascading down her shoulders would intertwine with Jan’s dreams forever. She brushed her hand through them softly, feeling the sun worn strands separate in her calloused fingers. She pulled Jackie closer to her chest and pressed a gentle kiss onto the base of her forehead, breathing in the sweet scent of her lover as she buried her nose into the crown of her head. She smells like vanilla. Jan thought giddily, intoxicated by the very existence of this woman. 

I wish that it could be like that  
Why can't we be like that?

It was these moments. The moments of quiet and peace, that Jan treasured. The instances were Jackie granted herself the liberty of letting down her guard, and allowed herself to bask in the warm glow of Jan’s love. When she would laugh at her jokes, and press soft kisses into her cheek, leaving a trail of cranberry chapstick scented with affection. When her hazel eyes would dilate and exude all was left unsaid in fear of the judgment forced upon them more freely than oxygen. When Jan’s parents left the house and the two cooked together, relishing in the calming domesticity of a simple existence. When she was simply Jackie, removing the layers of masks that she donned to appease her parents and to appease society. When she would stand there, genuinity gradually slipping through her “impenetrable” guard and raw, undiluted vulnerability shining from her eyes.The smile she forcefully plastered on her face removed, the cosmetics that attempted to conceal what the world considered “flaws.” Moments when Jan wished time would freeze. And she could savour Jackie’s grace, her beauty, and most importantly her love. To the average moron, Jackie was a beauty, but nothing more. They did not see the complexity of her character, the layers of intelligence that she was enfolded by, For underneath the rosaries and confining garments was a mischief that was carefully shielded and a seemingly endless flow of kindness. 

'Cause I'm yours

They were not the oddities that their town had labeled them as. They were simply two youths, embarking on a journey across the uncharted seas of first love. The weather was not always forgiving, winds of prejudice and waves of uncertainty were frequent visitors, the looming threats never failing to send chills down their spines. Times when they were parted by sneering classmates who fired hateful speech like bullets from a gun and disgusted grandparents who left burning handprints across their faces. When the world has harsh and punishing and it appeared that God had abandoned them, they never lost faith. Their faith in family, in society, in truth, and in god may have been forsaken, but their faith for each other was unwavering. For they knew that when the sea raged and the wind howled with anger, they could find solace in the presence of one another. They would wait, protected by a strong embrace they desperately clung to, for the sun to shine and the clouds to part. And they did, occasionally, but they were far and few between and so they sailed through the rough and unforgiving waters, clinging on to those moments of serenity and youthful love. 

Why can't I say that I'm in love?  
I wanna shout it from the rooftops

So engaged in dwelling on the past, Jan had lost sight of the present. Jackie awoke with a jolt, panic flashed in her eyes as they searched desperately for Jan. She grabbed Jan’s shoulder, violently waking her from her hazy daydream. Jan turned her head to meet Jackie’s frantic gaze, desperate for comfort. Jan smiled, a soft sad smile as the tragic but familiar scene, as she wrapped her arms around her shoulders and pulled Jackie to her chest. 

“Nightmare?” Jackie nodded and clung on nighter to Jan as if she were a life float keeping her from drowning. 

“Was it them again?” Jan scowled. Holding Jackie as sobs slowly began to shake her already frail figure. Jan held her, barely concealing the solitary tear that slipped from her eye. There were moments where Jan could be vulnerable and weep into Jackie's tear-stained lap. However, this was not that moment. So, Jan bit her lip and placed gentle strokes along the crevice of her back. 

How someone could stand to hurt a being so kind, so demure, was beyond her. If she could, Jan would’ve gladly offered herself as a target to all the pain Jackie was subjected to. She was stronger, her mind toughened from years of abuse. Alas, the chaos never seemed to follow her. Instead, it plagued Jackie, poisoning her thoughts and leaving her in sobbing bundles on the floor as Jan desperately tried to console her. She had long given up mending her broken heart as it cracked each time a Jackie was victim to the cruelty of the world. For loving Jackie meant suffering with her as the world continued to laugh as it tore her sanity to shreds. It wasn’t fair, but Jan had stopped believing in “fair” a long time ago. “Fair” would mean Jackie living a life of luxury and eternal happiness. “Fair” would mean Jackie enveloped by the arms of another, capable of protecting her from the horrors that Jan could not. But “fair” meant losing Jackie, and in spite of the agony both girls were subjected to, neither was willing to sacrifice the other. 

I wish that it could be like that  
Why can't we be like that?

Slowly, Jackie’s sobs died down as Jan continued to stroke her hair. Her breathing now steady as she lifted her head from Jan’s chest. She composed herself, as she looked into the mirror, blatantly reflecting the ugliness of her sorrow, and grimaced at her state. Hair tangled and tousled, eyes reddened and manic, cheeks streamed by trails of salt and lip quivering. She looked a mess. 

Jackie turned to face Jan and found her blushing, a pleasant shade of beetroot spreading across her cheeks. 

“What?” Jackie asked, her head tilted to the left and a question dancing lazily in her eyes.

“You’re pretty,” Jan whispered shyly, as Jackie looked at her love crinkling her eyes. 

“Don’t you remember? Lying is a sin, young lady.” 

“Even if I was lying, I’m going to hell anyway.” Jackie scoffed and planted a kiss on her tensed forehead

“I’m serious, you know. You’re pretty.” Jan giggled, a child-like tone coloring her voice, as she stretched out the last syllable. “I still don’t know how you don’t see it.” 

“Maybe because I’m too busy looking at you.” 

Jan smiled and leaned against the bed frame, allowing herself to fall back into her romantic dream-like state. Jackie was okay. Her heart and her soul, her strength, her reason to live was okay. Before Jackie, Jan had not known what love was. She had not known the strength and the capacity her heart processes. She had found it impossible, incomprehensible to be completely and entirely devoted to a single person. To wait on bated breath for their responses. To be engulfed by the need to see them, no matter the time, place or convenience. For time to stop and earth to still when they laughed. For their voice to become more melodic, more spiritual, more transcendent than the wind chimes at the center of the Vatican. 

Jackie had been a game-changer. Jackie had not stolen her heart, she was too kind to do that. However, the second she flashed a coy, flirtatious smile in Jan’s direction, she had unknowingly ripped her heart from her chest and fused their souls together. The avalanches of pain, rejection, and shame were unfelt, as all pain was forgotten if Jan bore it instead of Jackie. 

And Jackie knew. Jan was the only person who had ever loved her unconditionally. Who treated her with humanity and unlike many that crossed paths with Jackie, refused to objectify her. Who’s boisterous, raucous laughter was genuine and not forced by soulless etiquette. Who unlike her parents, her “friends and society did not attempt to mold her into a lifeless figure for the sole purpose of servicing them. Jan was her family,

Jackie was indebted to her, eternally. For Jan had been a match, burning passionately with love, in the darkness of isolation. She had guided Jackie out of her loneliness and into the warmth of her arms. Jan had cradled her as the atrocities Jackie had witnessed forced her to scream in the depths of night. Nevertheless, Jan’s voice slowly coaxed her out of her panic and gently lulled back to sleep. Jan had changed her life and in return, Jackie gave her the one thing she had left to give, the one thing only she could give and no one else but her could take away. 

Her heart. 

She loved Jan, though love had always come easy for Jackie, she believed that God had created her for the sole purpose of loving others. With Jan, Jackie allowed her to be love, without the fear of love fading. For Jan had proved time and time again as she cradled Jackie in her arms, that her love was not temporary, it was not disposable. And so Jackie allowed herself to hope. Hope that one day they would not have to kiss in a shadow, to love behind closed doors. That one day, she could hold her hand as they walked down the street and fear would not stalk her when she showed affection. That one day, she could scream her lover's name into the sky, devoid of shame and devoid of apprehension. Jackie looked up and met Jan’s eyes. They looked back, brimming with certainty. Yes. They would get there. 

'Cause I'm yours


End file.
